Thursday, November 08, 2007

you're just a sensuous bigfoot

portrait of a teenage runaway

With ol' sasquatch back in the news, it behooves me to give the info-hungry community a brief run-down of my recent cryptozoological-themed viewing.

BIGFOOT TERROR collects four count-em four motion picture features on Sasquatchian themes on a single two-sided DVD. At least half of it is worth the time of the connossieur of bad film.

The title THE CAPTURE OF BIGFOOT (dir. Bill Rebane, 1979) is a bit of a misnomer, since the arctic-furred protagonist seen here is more often known as a Yeti or Abominable Snowman. Sex-craze skiiers and fuzzy-browed bounty hunters are caught in a blanket of snowy acting and writhing with a beast - or two! - on the loose. CAPTURE's is the best-dressed beast on the marquee, but really, what makes this picture worth saving for me can be summed up right here:

In SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED (dir. Michael Findlay, 1974), a pair of fey professors lures a team of coeds to the woods for a weekend of expanded consciousness and exposed cartilage. This motion picture unleashed Hot Butter's smash disco hit "Popcorn" on the world, except that the company that released this DVD couldn't get the rights for it so they subsituted some other generic electronic disco of the time for the unforgettable party before the storm. Redeeming qualities? Probably not, but it made for compelling bad cinema for reasons which I don't recall at the moment.

Lacking both redeeming and compelling qualities is THE SEARCH FOR THE BEAST (dir. R. G. Arledge, 1997) a straight-to-VHS mediocrity unworthy to wash the big feet of even the mediocrities that accompany it. Of some note are a Bigfoot sex scene and what is perhaps the least sexy shower scene ever photographed. Bad Bigfoot!

Last but not least is THE LEGEND OF BIGFOOT (dir. Harry Winer, 1976) ... which I admit I didn't finish after being warned of a tremendously manipulative and off-topic love story concerning two squirrels. 300 minutes is a lot of Bigfoot, and I had some Bresson next in queue. Still: two mangy thumbs up for the A-side of this quadruple bill; you can send it back with the other side unwatched.

Tangentially related - and alas, the extent of its tangentiality was unknown to me until the program's teleevangelegraphed ending: THE LEGEND OF DESERT BIGFOOT (Dir. Robert Vernon, 1995) an episode of LAST CHANCE DETECTIVES, a series which follows the adventures of pre-teen Christian seekers of truth. High production and family values aside, this was not about Bigfoot at all, but about doing the right thing.

holy smokes

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